Freedom is all it’s cracked up to be

Today is a red-letter day for me.  It is the day I have finished paying (literally) for some of my bigger and more disastrous mistakes.  It is the day I get my life back – both financially and emotionally and finally let go of the shame that got me here.  Oh don’t worry I’m sure to still feel guilty and stupid on and off but because I took control and fixed it myself I no longer feel like such a monumental idiot.  And I have to say, given recent stories I have read about people being so gullible that they’ve parted with enormous sums of money (due to internet liaisons) with no hope of recovery, my idiocy pales in comparison.

I don’t think what happened makes me unique in any way.  It was partly due to living outside my means for a few reasons: trying to make up to the kids for leaving their father; allowing people to live off me; paying other people’s debts; and regularly mistaking wants for needs in order to fill an emotional void. This was then combined with a payout for my share of the marital home, which disappeared as swiftly as it appeared in my account, and several offers of pre-approved credit on my cards.  As you can gather – a recipe for disaster.

A few years ago I finally woke up and did not like what I saw:  my kids were getting too used to being bought whatever they wanted (not the upbringing I had experienced let me tell you); I had too many people in my life who should never have been there in the first place; my outgoings far exceeded my incomings and I was in more debt than I could handle; and no matter how many pairs of shoes or jeans I bought, the hole in my chest just got bigger.  Every time I felt panicked or out of control I would go and buy something.  It didn’t have to be for me – I just craved the momentary calm that descended when I had a comfortably heavy store bag swinging from my arm.  An hour later and I would feel terrible and buyers’ remorse would overwhelm me.  But I never took the things back – that would be admitting that I’d made a mistake.  I would just get angry and quietly hate myself.  I felt like I was being devoured from the inside out and soon there’d be nothing left but a shell.  And oh the guilt.   Nos 1&2 were trusting me to look after their lives and all I’d done was manage to steer the ship onto the rocks and strand it there, leaking fuel at a rapid rate.

I think the catalyst was getting very sick and realising that, due to the very unhealthy relationship I’d been in, I had alienated most of my family and many of my friends and could not admit to any of them that I was so deeply in trouble.  I also realised that the relationship itself was sucking me dry (in every way) and, for my own health and sanity, had to end.  The next step was gathering myself back together and starting a process of healing – physically, financially and emotionally.

I bought a book called Escape from Debt: Make a plan, take action, get happy and love your life* and read it cover to cover in one sitting. I can still remember with perfect clarity the day I cut up all my credit cards.  I felt like I was leaping off a tall building with no net to catch me.  It was strangely exhilarating.  Before I lost momentum, I quickly organised a debt consolidation loan, worked out a budget for the basic essentials (being brutal about needs vs wants), and had any left-over money going straight from my fortnightly pay onto the loan.  The hardest part was sitting down and explaining to Nos1&2 what I had done.  It is very painful admitting to your children that you are not perfect and have got it really wrong but I needed them to have a basic understanding of what was happening to help them adjust to life without treats every 5 minutes and presents only on birthdays and at Christmas.  I have to say that they were, and remain, champions who now really do understand the difference between wanting and needing – a rare quality in children today.  I am enormously proud of them.

I chose to pay off the loan much faster than I needed to so that I could rid my life of debt as soon as possible.   I also didn’t think I would be able to forgive myself for being so stupid until it was done.  It has been a tough few years.  Not just because of the money but because of the constant recriminations.  These did not once come from anyone else – only me.  I repaired the relationships that mattered and have been constantly supported from the sidelines.  But I did the hard yards myself.  Today, I made my last payment.  I am officially debt free.  I actually feel lighter – and I’m not being dramatic.  The minute I made the final transfer I felt my shoulders lift.

I may not own anything but I do not owe anything either.  Any money I earn now is mine.  I have learned that instant gratification is not gratifying in the slightest and that credit is a trap that only benefits banks.  I have taught my kids that if you can’t afford something, you wait.  I still don’t have credit cards and have discovered that those shiny things you think you really, really want lose all power once you leave the shop.  I have also finally forgiven myself for the bad choices I once made – both financial and emotional.  Now that I know how to live cheaply I can start saving to travel and have adventures and enjoy an unencumbered life.  I feel fucking brilliant.

B

* The book is by Tim Williamson and if I am in any debt now it is to him.